Confession (nikki)

Confession

I like to be a good girl. To please my Master by following His
commands. Doing everything He has instructed me.

This is one of the core elements of our relationship. I love His
control and His guidance. I love how specific it is. No guess work
about what will make Him happy. Just very concrete tasks. Very
explicit. Very controlling. In fact, I love it so much, I beg Him
for more. Suggest new ways He can influence me.

So now there are a lot of ways I can please Him but also a lot of
ways I can fall short. There are so many little things I can do wrong
or fail to do. So many ways to fuck up!

The temptation to lie about my compliance is always there. So
many of the things He requires are things that are done outside
His physical control. How would He know if I broke the rules and
had a small piece of chocolate at my desk at work? If I used the
toilet without permission? If I had a quick e-mail exchange, behind
his back, with my friend Robert? If I put my panties on halfway
through the day, without telling him? How would He even know if
I had a little online fling with somebody else? I could "please"
Him, without actually having to change my behavior at all.

At the beginning, I would follow His instructions when it pleased me.
When I felt like it. I would sometimes go behind His back. Or tell
Him that of course I had performed a ritual for Him, when I hadn't.
Or be in IM with someone else when I was frustrated that our
conversationwas slow or He was talking about something that
didn't interest me much.

In short, I behaved the way I have always behaved. Using small
untruths to smooth over conflict. Lying in the hopes my false answers
would be more pleasing than the truth. Giving what I thought the
other wanted, rather than what I was able to give.

When I was a child, this was the most successful strategy with my
controlling but detached parents. And it was also a successful
strategy at work. I never lied out of malice, or with the intent of
hurting somebody else. But I would regularly lie to make others
happy. Or at least to do what I thought would make others happy.
Exaggerate a story for effect. Tell someone what I thought they
wanted to hear. Flatter.

Master caught me a couple of times. He'd punish me. Gag me so I
couldn't tell any more lies. Or, once, in Second Life, stage a "virtual"
public beating; humiliating me and forcing me to look at the impact of
my behavior.

But it was driving a wedge between us. He needed to know the truth.
He needed to know that I was not holding anything back. And He needed
me to know that He loved the truth of me, not just the image I wanted
to project. That He loved my failures, not just my successes. He
loved my efforts and my contrition. He owned all of it.

So He needed to know about every failure. Every lapse. Every
misstep. Every omission. Every impulsive act. Every struggle.

Sometimes I am able to share those in the moment. To say, "Oh Master.
This is hard for me." or "Oh, Master, I made a mistake. I forgot.
I neglected to give You Your due. I failed."

But more often, I fail quietly. And then it is awkward to bring it
back up. The moment never seems right to tell Him that I have
disappointed Him. I don't want to have to tell Him at all.

So Master instituted daily confession. This is a structured time. A
moment of our day where we step back and I share all of the ways I
have fallen short. I tell Him the complete and unvarnished truth.
Even my temptations. I share my feelings. What I was thinking in the
moment. What led to the failure, and how I coped with it. My fears
about His reaction. And my hopes. I share it all with Him. Hand it
over to Him. And beg Him for absolution.

Sometimes He makes me do penance. Has me redo the task, or do a
harder one. Sometimes He gives me some pain to help me focus away
from my failure and towards something I can give Him. Sometimes He
just gives me absolution right there. Sometimes He asks me to help
Him to identify the right penance and to participate in meting it out.
Sometimes He just gives it to me.

I always feel better afterwards. Clean. Refreshed.

He knows I want to do better. He knows I strive to obey Him in all
things. So He accepts my weakness as human. Takes it into Him. Owns
it. Owns me.

My confession makes us closer. More intimate. It tightens our bond.
And it gives Him lots of information about how to better guide me, how
to be a more thoughtful and considerate Master.

It also just turns both of us on.