Ravi's husband writes...

You asked me to write something about the effects Second Life have had on you & our relationship. I seldom see things superficially, even if I'm wrong. So--here goes!

You seem captivated by a sense of sexual self-discovery and self-realization which is a big part of living. Naturally, I was at first, and still remain to some degree, concerned about who you're interacting with. But, as I love you & as I feel your love for me, I can just try to balance my protective instinct with my faith in you.

You told me that you want to become a sexual submissive and even slave. Certainly, the novelty and abandonment both have thrilled and captivated you. I'm glad to see you thrilled and appreciate that, in part, your sexual experiences will lead to your gratification, not just in general, but in our relationship. No doubt our sex has been hot, deeply satisfying to me and even more to my liking, enabled me to satisfy you, in ways I've never experienced before.

So, ironically, by entering into a sexual dependency on your online Master, you've helped reengage our sexual excitement, after 9 years of marriage. This is enlivening & rekindles our youthful passion--that which makes us feel most alive.

There is alot of irony, though, since you're delving into a relationship which conceivably might fundamentally alter the state of our marriage and create priorities in your life beyond it. One irony is this: living beings strive to be free. At its root, freedom is the essence of life--something inert, like a stone, possesses no freedom--its history is determined completely by things outside itself and immutable properties within. But any living being, which moves, breathes & aspires, exercises its freedom--or tries to--at every step. Auden wrote (in his paean to WB Yeats) that we are 'almost convinced of our freedom.'

Since I love you--and you too are the love of my life--the fear of losing you to someone or something else is poised against the desire to see you free. You seem to be saying that you feel free, as a slave. That is if not a contradiction, at least a paradox. As your lover, I have to balance the actual loving of you, which is to help you to live your life as freely as you can, with the desire to both possess & protect you, which is also a basic instinct.

No amount of intelligence, or asperity, can affect the striking of these balances. We don't love solely with the rational mind, but also with an ineffable commitment, unique to the unfolding of our personal-time (or "world line," to borrow from physics) because we can only act 'now' & moment-to-moment--and love requires commitment.

So for now, I choose to observe my commitment to you quixotically--by still desiring to possess and protect you--but also, from the profound respect you've always commanded in me, from the time I met you--to permit you to 'let go,' a la Erika Jong. I will try to learn from you--what excites you, what you want--and hope I can be there with you as you seek the freedom & happiness which I want for you, every day of your life.